Compatibility Counselling
If you’re having trouble meeting someone you can be happy with in a long-term relationship, we can explore compatibility issues and discuss the search process in detail. In addition to my education and professional experience helping others navigate relationship challenges, I also bring a deeply personal perspective to this work. After a painful divorce at 28, I went through extensive dating and multiple relationships while trying to understand why some relationships fail in the long term and what makes a compatible partner. I began researching existing theories and applying them in real life, guided by my experiences and a quest for true compatibility.
Throughout my journey, I adopted a pragmatic strategy: meet as many potential partners as possible and pursue only the most compatible ones that I am attracted to. Compatible, according to various theories. While some theories fell flat, others made sense. Yet, no single theory could fully explain why we feel more comfortable and happier with certain individuals. Humans are too complicated and so are our relationships. I had to analyze what works, what doesn’t and why. Over time I organized what worked into a compatibility system. It became more complex and nuanced as I kept discovering what was previously missing. With a newly devised system in hand and unwavering determination fueling my quest, I finally found the love I was looking for. We are still happily married 9 years later. This journey inspired me to become a relationship counsellor and write a book “Conscious Search for Love: An In-depth Exploration of Compatibility in a Romantic Relationship”.
In the process, I discovered that compatibility is a very broad and all-encompassing concept that needs to be broken down into smaller categories. We can be poorly compatible in four distinct ways (listed in a random order).
#1 Emotional: With some people, we find ourselves in uncomfortable or destructive emotional entanglements. Many unhealthy patterns take a while to fully develop before they snowball into a dysfunctional relationship.
#2 Sexual: We are not sufficiently sexually attracted to each other. Or the sexual aspect of a relationship is not fulfilling because our sexual needs, attitudes and behaviours do not align well.
#3 Personality: Our temperaments clash or do not mix well.
#4 Existential: Our life journeys and values do not align enough to keep us together in the long term.
Although these four categories overlap in many ways, it helps to explore the compatibility problem from different perspectives, especially when we meet someone new.
The tricky thing about compatibility having many layers is that when we feel compatible in some aspects, we often do not pay attention to other aspects where we can be less compatible or incompatible at all.
Some of the common scenarios that I see among clients and have also experienced myself:
– There is a great sexual attraction (#2) that brings you closer together, but then you wake up the next morning, next week or next month and realize you don’t really enjoy spending time together outside of the bedroom for reasons #1, #3 or #4.
– You fall in love with someone you get along well initially (#3), and there is sexual chemistry (#2), but over time life takes you in different directions, you grow apart (#4) or you find yourself in a dysfunctional relationship, unable to break the looping patterns of unhealthy behaviours (#1).
– You’ve worked out each other’s personality quirks (#3), you share similar values (#4), you don’t fight often or have any serious relationship issues (#1), but your sexual life is going down or has become stale (#2)
Happy long-term relationships are statistically rare because it’s difficult to land in all four compatibility categories by chance. I was unsuccessful dozens of times at the dating and relationship stage until I understood what patterns to look for through the lens of each category.
Each category plays a crucial role in determining how well partners connect and navigate their relationship challenges. During our sessions, we will delve into these areas to help you understand your emotional landscape, existential beliefs, sexual needs, and personality as well as how they can align with others. By gaining insight into these dimensions, you can better assess potential partners and foster healthier, more fulfilling connections.
Ultimately, compatibility counselling is about more than just finding a partner; it’s about cultivating a deeper awareness of yourself and your relational dynamics. It’s also about deeper understanding of other people and relationships. By the end of our sessions, you’ll have the tools and insights necessary to embark on your journey toward meaningful connections rooted in genuine compatibility.